Oct 12 2009
Group Write–Hearing
Last week, we began our discussion of using sensory images in our writing by exploring our sense of smell. We continued our sensory theme this week, but we are focusing on describing what we hear. After a somewhat animated brainstorming session, our class came up with this. All I did was type it.
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This was not my day. I thought I could get away with skipping homework, but my teacher had another idea. After the fifth day of not doing my homework, she declared that she was going to call my dad. Maybe he could fix my problem.
After a dreadful bus ride, I went into my house, up to my room, and closed the door. Dad didn’t get home until 4:05 on Fridays, so I knew that I had 30 agonizing minutes until I was dead meat. As every second expired, my heart pounded harder and harder.
Then I heard the car. Dad skidded his black Escalade to a halt in the driveway. My dog Bear started scratching and whimpering pitifully at the door. Dad turned off the ignition and violently slammed the door as he got out of the car. He seemed bloodthirsty. I could hear his monstrous footsteps stomping toward the door. The faster the footsteps went, the faster my heart beat. Dad tried the door but it was locked. This only made him more furious. I could hear him struggling to get out his keys as he jingled them with rage. He turned the knob extremely hard and burst through the solid oak door into the house. I heard the briefcase slam on the hard wood floor. My stomach churned in fear as I heard him ferociously stomp up the stairs. He cracked his knuckles on his way down the hall. I could hear him breathing quickly as he approached my bedroom. When he finally got to the door, I heard him grab the knob slowly and angrily. Then the door creeked open.
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Well, what did you think? Feel free to leave a comment on this post with suggestions or encouragement. Look for stories that use this technique on the student blogs at the end of the week (will be titled A5)!
3 responses so far
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That third paragraph is fantastic! The detailed description and colorful language painted a wonderful picture of the action. I particularly like the words “bloodthirsty” and “monstrous” there–they really add to the terror. (Of course, along those lines, do “jingling” keys sound that ferocious? What about “clanging” keys, instead?)
The second paragraph, in comparison, seems like a missed opportunity. I’m not sure if your class was thinking of improving what you’ve already written, but I see plenty of things you’ve mentioned that have some pretty important sounds to them. I know that the worst bus rides are the ones where all I can hear is the laughter of other happy students while inside my head all I hear is “I’m going to be in SOOOO much trouble…” When I come home on days like those, the house seems even quieter, leaving me alone with my noisy guilt. You wrote about every second “expiring”, which is a great word to use for description, but expiration makes no sound. Most people associate a particular sound with the passing of time, and I think it would go along with the pounding of your heart very well. What sound could you use?
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I think that the story that the class wrote was really cool. Plus we used a lot, and I mean ” A LOT ” of detail. Bye Mrs.B !!!!!
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Hello again Mrs.Buckmaster. I thougt that the story we came up with was genius….and I mean “Genius”. Plus this story could scare a 4-6 year old, and trick them in to doing their home work and keep them out of trouble… Bye
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Nadia
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